random on love.
2008-06-06 at 2:34 a.m.
I just got some watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman and I'm in the mood for being a romantic so I thought I'd share some thoughts and words to see who is interested enough to read them.Firstly, if you have not seen the movie, it's a pretty interesting look at this woman's story. Essentially, her husband of 18 years is a controlling, abusive jerk and ends the relationship. He essentially leaves her because she has not fulfilled his needs and had several affairs in the course of their failing marriage.
Her husband, Charles (played by Steve Harris, who I think is an excellent actor) kicks her out of her own home essentially so that Helen, the main character (played by Kimberly Elise, another talented and gorgeous actress) is out to fend for herself since she was dependent on him. She loses all hope in love and happiness until a man named Orlando comes into her life. Orlando shows her what she deserves - true love and respect. Played by Shemar Moore (who my one roommate & I already decided we would jump the instant we had the chance to do so... mmmmmmmmm), Orlando opens her back to the beauty of what she deserved in spite of the way Charles put Helen down.
It made me think of what love is capable of. I know the people I talk to on a semi-regular basis who have been in love tell me it is a powerful feeling. I watch way too many movies and listen to too much music to want to know love is real and that it is possible for a person to give his or herself to another individual and have trust and faith that individual will not destroy this powerful bond.
I really hope it is as great as people say it is. Honestly, I do want to feel it. I think every human being seeks some kind of approval or connection to another or several other human beings - whether it be romantic or not. Despite my cynical nature around Valentine's Day and/or my friends' and their significant others' anniversaries (or something equally important), the reason I feel the way I do is because I want that to be me. I want to look back 10 years later and know that it happened to me. I want to believe the prayers I make are not going to waste and that another person is going to be able to be with me for the long hall as I do have a lot to offer him as he to me.
I think not being able to have a father in my life (or any father figure, with the exception of my uncle) has definitely contributed to my several issues (including the whole significant other situation). As much as I tell myself I am the bigger person to forgive him, I cannot let it go overnight. I'm still praying about that.
My father is not perfect. He was the reason my home life has always been shaky.
He is half of my DNA. He is still my father when it comes to biology. It's something I cannot change nor shake. It scares me when I get angry. I am always watching out for that. I have made it a point to never get to the point where I lash out as he did. I've seen how that can tear people's psyches apart, let alone shatter relationships one may have at one point had a tight grip upon.
I have some of his OCD tendencies, thankfully nothing serious. Just stupid crap you, the reader, probably don't need to listen to be yap on about.
I was discussing this with that close roomie/bff of mine. It's ridiculous how we have come to sympathize with one another because our fathers have been the villains in our lives. Every friendship has to start somewhere, though.
Someone who was supposed to be there in my life as a parent and a caregiver and couldn't become that and missed out on that opportunity, I don't think he is deserving of any time or energy. It still hurts when I think of how much my mother has gone through and how much our family has evolved (and the fact he has made it clear he will never take responsibility for his actions/behavior) really makes me sick.
You, the reader, will definitely continue to see these snippets of my dad in my writing. It's something I wish to dedicate space in novels I want to publish in the near future.
I end this with two quotations I found beautiful.
As always, let me know what you think.
Love, me.
(I need ideas for a pen name for my writing.... hmmm)
"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile" - Franklin P. Jones
"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired" - Robert Frost
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